Love is a big deal. It can lift us up, scare us, teach us, and connect us with others. But let’s be real—healthy love doesn’t always come easy. It starts with being aware of how we affect ourselves and those around us. When we can spot when loving others is messing with our self-love (or the other way around), we can fix things and improve our relationships, leading to more genuine love.
Everyone has their own way of giving and receiving love, so we all define it differently. For me, loving myself means putting myself first, forgiving my mistakes, and being okay with who I am. Loving others is a mix of affection and care. I show my love through hugs, support, and reminding people I care about them. But not everyone expresses love the same way. To love someone in a healthy way, we need to recognize that we all have our unique styles. Finding a balance between being a little selfish and a little selfless is key to loving both ourselves and others.
You’ve probably heard the saying, “You have to love yourself before you can love others.” There’s some truth to that, even if it oversimplifies things. It’s definitely easier to love others when you feel good about yourself because you’re more likely to believe that others love you back. When I’m not feeling great about myself, I start doubting the love from others, which makes it tough to connect with them.
When you know you’re loved, you don’t crave approval from others as much. That need for validation can mess with your judgment about who you love and why. If someone is feeling insecure and lonely, they might think they love someone just because they’re getting the attention they want. Loving yourself can help you avoid that kind of fake love.
Sometimes, when I’m looking for validation, I feel like I need to change who I am to get it. I might put on a front to impress people, which just keeps me from experiencing real love. For instance, I might wear something I’m not comfortable in or hold back on jokes I find funny. If someone loves me while I’m not being my true self, they’re not really loving me. Once I realize that, the relationship doesn’t feel as valuable anymore.
Another way not loving yourself can mess with your relationships is when insecurity makes you pull away from others out of fear of being judged. I’ve been there too—sometimes I get so wrapped up in figuring out how to love myself that I forget to be there for the people I care about. It’s a tricky balance, and we need to pay attention to both our needs and the needs of others.
While loving ourselves makes it easier to love others, loving others can also help us love ourselves. Connecting with people feels amazing. When I find someone I genuinely care about, it reminds me of my own good qualities that help me build those relationships. For example, when I listen and give advice to someone I love, I remember my empathy and kindness. Laughing and having fun with someone I care about reminds me of my sense of humor. Getting love from others helps us see that we’re lovable too.
But here’s the thing: while self-love and receiving love are connected, it’s important to keep some distance. Relying too much on love from others can be risky. I once loved someone so much that their love helped me love myself. But when that relationship ended, I lost my self-love and blamed myself for it. I thought I wasn’t good enough. No matter what, we should work on loving ourselves independently of who we love; people come and go, and if we can’t grow without them, we’ll never really grow.
Just like we need to love ourselves regardless of who loves us, we also need to love ourselves apart from who we love. Loving others doesn’t always mean we’ll love ourselves more. Sometimes, we end up sacrificing our self-love because we’re blinded by our feelings for toxic people. When we love someone, we might overlook their dishonesty or disrespect and think we’re the problem. Love can cloud our judgment about our relationships and ourselves. When I’m struggling with self-love, I can only see my flaws, but I often miss the flaws of others because of my feelings for them. It’s important to forgive those we love, but we also need to prioritize ourselves. If stepping back from someone is what it takes to keep loving ourselves, then that’s what we have to do.
The connection between loving others and loving ourselves is complicated and deeply intertwined. Building our inner strength is crucial for all areas of life, especially when it comes to healthy relationships. Self-love should come first because it helps us see how our relationships affect us. But too much self-love can be a problem too. Like with many things, finding that balance is key.
