It is often said that when a man marries a woman, he believes, “She is the one I have been waiting for; she will never change.” Conversely, a woman may perceive her partner as someone who merely requires a bit of refinement, thinking, “After we are married, I will assist him in changing.” However, the reality is that both men and women undergo changes over time.
Biological research indicates that every seven years, the human body completely regenerates its cells. Throughout the years, our ideas, political beliefs, and interests evolve. While studies suggest that certain personality traits, such as introversion and extroversion, tend to remain relatively stable throughout adulthood, personal growth and change are inevitable. These transformations can present challenges within a marriage, particularly as individuals may develop at different rates. We often hope that our spouses will evolve positively—becoming more patient, abandoning unhealthy habits, dedicating more time to family, adjusting their work-life balance, or altering their levels of religious engagement and communication. It is essential to recognize that we are all works in progress.
Change may not occur at a pace that satisfies us. One’s partner may be unaware of any dissatisfaction. If an individual does not recognize the necessity for change, a loving spouse can gently request such change. However, nagging, coaxing, or arguing typically yield no positive results and may exacerbate feelings of discontent. Successful couples understand that the only person one can truly change is oneself.
It is beneficial to engage your spouse as a partner in your personal transformation. When you are prepared to modify a particular behavior, communicate your intentions to your spouse and seek their support. This collaborative effort can foster marital growth. Regardless of any personal shortcomings or issues, spouses will likely appreciate these efforts, as they may have been hoping for such changes.
What should one do if their strategy for self-improvement does not inspire a similar response in their spouse? Despite one’s aspirations and efforts for personal development, if the partner remains resistant or unable to change, the most powerful—and paradoxical—tool for marital transformation is acceptance. When spouses demonstrate love and acceptance towards one another, they are more likely to respond positively to each other’s changes.
Be prepared to support any efforts your spouse makes towards change, regardless of how tentative or incomplete those efforts may appear. If your spouse expresses a desire to change, be ready to assist rather than impede the process. In some cases, professional assistance may be warranted; however, your role as a supportive partner is invaluable. You are the individual who loves your spouse the most.
