I know it now and I won’t deny it. But that doesn’t really matter because I can’t satisfy women either. Maybe not. It would be a bad idea. I can see a situation where the first sentence might bother me, especially if I have some reputation. If I were a little famous, I would definitely be sought out by the media, and the interviewer would definitely say, “Fifteen years ago, you wrote that no woman would be satisfied. Now, you’ve been married for almost five years, are those words still true?” It fulfilled me in ways I could never have imagined.
It literally saved my life.
Even if those feelings weren’t there, the interviewer wouldn’t doubt that statement, so it reminds me that I won’t keep my word. Seriously, I just smiled and said, “Oh, come on, Mr. Rose. It’s a writing tool. You know, I don’t really believe in it. It doesn’t upset me either. Or maybe it’s everyone’s fault. It must be everyone’s fault, because it’s everyone’s problem. Well… not everyone. I’m not a boring person, or a very stupid person. But whenever I meet lively, traditional Americans, I find they all have one thing in common: an inability to create happy, harmonious relationships. For them, it’s just a normal part of life. Someone has to be held accountable for this. So instead of blaming anyone for this (which is a bit presumptuous) or criticizing everyone (which is a bit pointless), I blame John Cusack. He is his girlfriend, but not as much as he loves John Cusack. Sometimes that’s a good thing; Cusack seems like a handsome, cool guy (he likes the Clash and The Who, at least) and he’s a very, very good guy. If Cusack and I were competing for the same woman, I’d be happy to admit defeat. But I don’t feel like John and I are “competing” for the girl I’m talking about, because his relationship with Cusack sees him as just a two-way street, pretending to be someone he doesn’t like. Now, for a moment I thought this breakup would be better than Johnny ecause my relationship with this woman consisted of “talking on the phone,” “cuddling under the umbrella,” and “eating pancakes.” But gradually I realized that my perspective on this challenge had completely reversed; it’s not fair, but it’s not fair to Cusack; I don’t have time, man; when Cusack plays Eddie Thomas in “American Honey” or the hitman in “The Mobster,” all his female fans know he’s just acting… but when the camera stops, they wonder if his true self will come out… Lloyd Dobler… He’s actually Lloyd Dobler, and he’s continuing this kind of romance with Diane Court (or Ione Skye, depending on your perspective). We all think of ourselves as this kind of thing; not in the Love is War sense, but in the love that is against us in time and space. That’s why I can never be happy with a woman, and that’s why the women I find attractive will never be happy with me. We all measure our relationships in terms of fake love. The girl who admired John Cusack once had the chance to spend a week with me at the Waldorf Astoria in New York, but she chose to fly to Portland to see Coldplay’s first US tour. It’s because of their talent for writing over-the-top alternative rock songs about fake love. Coldplay is the worst band I’ve ever heard, despite sounding like a copy of Travis (of Radiohead), and even their best performances are videos. They’re softly mesmerizing in the song, the lead singer walking along the beach on a cloudy afternoon.
That’s fine.
The point is, Coldplay is faking love, like the crazy fake love Ford Motor Company did to the Mustang, and all these women have heard it. “I’m drying myself for you,” sings this silly singer, and tells us that the stars in the sky are yellow. How can I compete with that? That bewildered idiot can’t make up his mind. It just conveys emotion over four guitar chords but it ends up sounding like love.
