Want to help your friends and family achieve their New Year’s resolutions? Christine Carter has seven ideas for you.
If you’ve ever made New Year’s resolutions, you know they can be tough to follow. As passionate as we are at first, we often struggle to achieve our biggest goals. One thing that helps is social support. Our sense of our own abilities or our confidence that we can make a difference. Understandably, if we don’t feel empowered to change, if we think we won’t succeed in the end, we won’t be motivated to try. Our sense of autonomy or freedom. We humans resist behaviors that we feel obligated to do or are ashamed of. If we feel we have to follow through on our decision or something bad will happen (someone will disappoint us, we’ll have a heart attack, our cancer will come back, or) we won’t be motivated to stop thinking about that behavior. it’s based on our own preferences or what we want to do. It’s a complex and somewhat counterintuitive situation, but it’s well understood by behavioral scientists.
Our relationships are the way we feel accepted, valued, and supported by others. When a behavior makes us feel connected to others and fuels our creativity (for example, joining a running group to support our resolution to run 10 miles), we tend to be more diligent in pursuing the solution.
When even one of our psychological needs is thwarted, we become demoralized and disheartened. If someone you love is trying to start a new healthy habit or break an old one this year, here are seven things you can do to help them succeed:
1.Support their freedom.
Show your people that you believe they can make their own choices and solve their own problems. Help them create a vision of success that will keep them focused on what they want (not what they don’t want). What does success look like? What do they think? What should they do to succeed? When should they get help? What are their plans today?
2.Support them by showing
your confidence in their ability to change or implement their decisions, and find ways to increase their confidence in their own abilities. Ask and point out situations where they have done something similar.
3.Build rapport by building
relationships around their solutions. Offer to partner with them on this. But don’t assume you know what kind of support they need; ask them how you can support them. What would help? What would be nice? For example, my daughter Macie recently told me not to tell her to exercise, but to remember how she feels when she does. The goal is not to force her to do it; it is to let her know that she is not alone.
4.Encourage self-awareness through daily self-assessment.
There’s no question of being an accountability partner here, and that can be off-putting for many people. We don’t want them to start avoiding you when you try to support them, so we shouldn’t harass them with “are you doing this?” or constantly remind them to do what you’re told. It’s a “how was your day?” sharing.
The goal is to gain self-awareness in a non-judgmental way. If we don’t understand what influences our behavior, it’s hard to follow through on solutions. It can be helpful to get the person to think about themselves in terms of “what” or “how.” For example, “What do you think about this?” or “What do you want to do tomorrow?”
5.Show compassion when things go wrong.
We don’t like it when our people stumble over their solutions, and they certainly will. We don’t want them to give up so they won’t be disappointed when they fail again. They will.
We can make their falls less painful by giving them a soft landing surface and a safe place to rest.
6.Don’t offer solutions, even if you really think they’ll help.
Even if you’re sure you know the answer to their problem, for God’s sake, don’t give it to them. Don’t tell them what to do (in other words, “don’t tell them what to do”). Don’t deprive them of the joy of solving problems.
I know, I know. This is hard. Many of the solutions require a lot of knowledge—knowledge that you already have. For example, let’s say your loved one wants to go ketogenic. This requires an understanding of macronutrients, meal planning, and cooking. You may know a lot about these things. Before you offer to help, ask them: Do they want you to tell them what you know?
Can you share a guide or website that you find helpful?
NO? If they don’t need your help, let them go. You may be affecting your loved one’s sense of freedom and power. Your intentions may be good, but they won’t help, and may even cause harm. 7. Be patient with them when they achieve something. Researchers have found that happy couples celebrate when their partners share good news, so when your partners achieve success with you, no matter how small, respond with great joy. Being nice and loving isn’t enough, and neither are special feelings. Your response to good news should be strong.
Silent support is rarely effective.
Nothing. Even if you are not sure whether the people you support will follow through with the changes they are making, or if you are not sure how important the changes are, your support can still be beneficial. You will help your loved one be happy and strengthen your relationship.
