The Situation
So, we’ve only been married for a little while, and things are going pretty well overall. But there’s something that’s been bugging me: we don’t really tackle our problems. One of us brings something up, we chat about it for a bit, and then it just kind of fizzles out. For example, I think he watches way too much TV. When I mention it, he just says “sorry” and goes right back to his sports binge every night. He thinks I spend too much on stuff I don’t need, so now I just hide my shopping from him.
What worries me is that when a real issue comes up, we won’t know how to handle it. Any tips for a couple like us?
A Response
You’re definitely not alone in this early marriage phase, and it’s great that you want to learn how to handle conflicts before something major pops up. Figuring out how to resolve issues isn’t something that just happens; it’s a skill you develop over time, kind of like building muscle memory for when things get tough.
To kick things off, when you want to bring up a problem, start by showing some appreciation for your partner. For instance, you could say, “I really appreciate how hard you work. It makes me feel secure about our future.” Remember, this is the person you love, so there’s gotta be something you admire about them. Then, share your feelings about the situation: “I get that you want to unwind after work, but when you’re glued to the TV every night, I feel like we don’t get enough time together.”
Next, it’s important for your partner to make sure they understand your concern. In this case, your husband might say, “So you think I’m watching too much TV?”
This is where you can clarify. Maybe you’re not against TV altogether, but you’d prefer to watch something other than sports. It’s crucial for both of you to be on the same page about what the issue really is.
If he doesn’t quite get it, let him know. You could say, “No, that’s not it. I just don’t really get football or hockey, so I can’t enjoy it with you. How about we mix it up and watch a game show or a movie sometimes?”
Once he gets your point, you can work together to find a compromise. Maybe one night he can watch the game, and the next night you both pick a movie.
You can use the same approach for other issues, like spending. He could start by saying, “I appreciate that you want our home to look nice,” and then share his concerns about the budget. She can acknowledge his worries, and then they can find a middle ground. There are tons of ways to solve these little disagreements, and the best solution is the one that feels fair to both of you.
Sometimes, though, conflicts arise from something one person did wrong, like racking up credit card debt or getting a speeding ticket. Those situations can be trickier.
In those cases, one person needs to apologize, and that’s a habit worth developing. A real apology isn’t just a casual “sorry” without any real feeling behind it. It’s about owning up to what you did and making sure it doesn’t happen again. This kind of conversation can be tough, but it helps clear the air.
On the flip side, there’s forgiveness. Once a genuine apology has been made, it’s important for the other person to forgive. Saying “I forgive you” and meaning it is just as crucial as saying “I’m sorry.” There’s a saying from Marriage Encounter: “No Museum Keeping,” which means if you’ve forgiven someone, it’s off the record and can’t be brought up again. That doesn’t mean you can’t talk about similar issues if they come up later; it just means you can’t keep dragging the past into the present.
Big conflicts don’t happen all that often in most marriages, but small ones pop up all the time. So, practicing these new skills on the little stuff can help you be ready when the bigger challenges come along.
About the Author
Kathy Beirne is the editor of Foundations Newsletter for Newly Married Couples. She lives in Portland, ME, and has a master’s degree in Child and Family Development.
