My partner is very jealous. He recently sneakily got into my phone and read my chats. I consider this a breach of trust. What to do?
Jealousy is sometimes confused with intense romantic love. In fact, it has very little to do with love, and certainly nothing to do with romance. It is a pattern of evaluation and behavior. Jealous people fear losing the other person or not receiving enough affection from the other person. They act on this, i.e. they try to control or limit the other person. The reason for this could be in childhood or previous relationships, and therefore has nothing to do with you as a partner.
When relationships are poisoned by jealousy, illness develops. As far as I can tell from reading your message, this point has already been reached. Jealousy requires sensitivity in relationships
Talk to your partner about this and be clear about what you want to say: “Your phone is off limits” and he needs to address his jealousy. This conversation can be loving and intimate, but it’s a good idea to set boundaries beforehand. You can support him, but you can’t change yourself, and you can’t change your friendships.
You may feel justified from a relationship perspective in breaking up or reducing contact with one or two acquaintances. But experience shows that the result is a change in jealousy: you have eliminated the point of attack, not the problem itself.
Jealousy Advice
His jealousy will be a threat to the relationship in the long run. It is therefore your partner who will have to go through his own experiences and relearn his thought patterns. You can be there for him, but you cannot play the role of a professional preparer. It may feel that way, but you are not part of the problem. Think about that for a second. They are not part of the problem.
This is where couples counseling can help. Couples coaches and therapists are trained for this, and they will also work with individual partners. Psychological psychotherapists also have the necessary expertise and are a good person to contact in especially difficult cases.
Restricting yourself to avoid jealousy will have a negative impact on you and your relationship in the long run. Consider clear boundaries.
Evolution is no excuse
Jealousy is sometimes glorified as an evolutionary protective function. It is said that humans used jealousy to protect their relationships in order to have more offspring. This attitude is a theory that also applies to organisms that lived long before us modern humans. It cannot be proven or disproven.
Now, this way of thinking is harmful to the patient and their relationships. Even if it were true, there is a difference between mild feelings of jealousy and feelings of jealousy that lead to controlling one’s partner.
In fact, jealousy can also be understood as an addiction. The term suggests that. Thoughts revolve around the object and the ability to function in daily life becomes limited. And it affects your ability to build relationships. Some people consider jealousy to be an illness that needs to be taken into account. Don’t give in to this. You might even consider asking for support to help you. That’s it.