Recently, I have been reflecting extensively on the concept of friendship. Despite the proliferation of digital devices that ostensibly connect us, many individuals, myself included, experience a sense of loneliness. While it is undeniable that email, text messaging, and social media can be enjoyable and beneficial, fostering meaningful relationships—such as my own connection with the coauthor of my book through Twitter—these online interactions cannot replicate the depth of genuine, face-to-face connections. There exists an irreplaceable quality in the physical presence of another individual, and I cannot envision a technological solution that could fulfill this need.
The scientific literature provides substantial insights into the benefits of close friendships. Such relationships enhance our confidence and reinforce our sense of self, particularly during challenging times. They contribute to our sense of purpose and belonging, and they significantly influence our behaviors. Research indicates that if a friend becomes obese, one is 57 percent more likely to follow suit; conversely, if a friend quits smoking, one is 36 percent less likely to begin smoking. The reverse is also true: when friends adopt healthy habits, such as regular exercise, one is more inclined to do the same. In essence, the individuals with whom we associate profoundly impact our lives and shape our experiences.
However, the scientific literature is less comprehensive regarding the characteristics that define a good friend. Merely being physically present with someone does not guarantee a lasting and meaningful relationship. This prompted me to consider: what, precisely, constitutes a true friendship?
My exploration of this question led me back over two millennia to the ancient Greek Empire, specifically to Aristotle’s Nicomachean Ethics, a work that many scholars regard as a pinnacle of the philosopher’s thought. The insights I discovered are remarkably relevant today.
Aristotle identifies three distinct types of friendship:
- Friendships based on utility, wherein one or both parties derive some benefit from the relationship (akin to contemporary networking, where individuals may seek friendships for personal gain).
- Friendships based on pleasure, which revolve around enjoyable experiences (such as those with whom one shares lighthearted moments).
- Friendships based on virtue, characterized by a shared commitment to common values (involving individuals whom one admires and respects, aligning on fundamental life principles).
It is intriguing that Aristotle observed centuries ago that many individuals, particularly those who are young or in their prime, often pursue friendships primarily for utilitarian reasons, ultimately finding themselves unfulfilled. A visit to a college campus or a corporate environment today reveals that this tendency remains unchanged.
Furthermore, Aristotle noted, “Those who love because of utility love because of what is good for themselves, and those who love because of pleasure do so because of what is pleasant to themselves.” He argued that what one finds useful or pleasurable is transient and subject to change; thus, when the basis for the friendship dissipates, so too does the friendship.
The irreplaceable nature of physical presence in human interaction cannot be overstated, and I maintain that no technological application can fulfill this essential aspect of connection.
While all three types of friendship can offer benefits, only those founded on virtue—characterized by shared core values—are enduring and meaningful. Aristotle asserted, “Perfect friendship is the friendship of those who are alike in virtue.” Such friendships are inherently good, as they involve mutual goodwill in all circumstances.
Indeed, these relationships require significant effort and are not easily attained; as Aristotle noted, “great friendships can only be felt toward a few people.” However, they provide a profound sense of satisfaction and contentment, representing a rare blessing to connect with another on such a deep level.
Aristotle’s framework is not only insightful but also practical. One should reflect on the categories into which their relationships fall. While it is acceptable to maintain friendships primarily for utility and pleasure, it is crucial to recognize that these serve different purposes and are likely to have a shorter duration than the most meaningful friendships—those grounded in shared virtue. Such friendships merit protection and appreciation. They do not develop overnight and require considerable effort to sustain; as Aristotle wisely noted, “lack of conversation has broken many a friendship.” Nevertheless, the rewards of these relationships far outweigh the investment required to nurture them.
