It is important to clarify that the terms “fight” and “fighting fair” as used herein refer to the constructive expression of disagreement or anger towards another individual. Physical harm should never be considered a component of “fighting fair.”
- Cultivate Self-Awareness: Understand your own emotions. Developing self-awareness is crucial for effectively managing anger or conflict.
- Recognize Anger as an Emotion: Anger is a natural emotion and is neither inherently right nor wrong. It is essential to comprehend the underlying causes of this emotion. Moral considerations arise only when destructive actions are taken in response to feelings.
- Emphasize Negotiation and Compromise: In any partnership, it is vital to agree that neither partner should “win” a disagreement. A win-lose scenario fosters resentment, ultimately damaging the relationship. Even if one partner is in the wrong, it is important to allow them to maintain their self-respect.
- Establish Cooling-Off Periods: Create guidelines that allow either partner to take a break to cool down before addressing the conflict. Engaging in physical activity or taking a walk can help dissipate anger, enabling clearer thought and focus on the issue at hand.
- Schedule a Time and Place for Discussion: Ensure that the resolution of the issue is not postponed indefinitely. After a cooling-off period, agree on a specific time and location to continue the discussion, such as after the news in the living room, rather than in a more chaotic environment.
- Engage in Conflict by Mutual Consent: Do not insist on addressing a conflict when your partner is fatigued or unable to engage constructively. A fair resolution requires the participation of both individuals.
- Stay Focused on the Issue: When multiple issues arise, address them one at a time. If past grievances remain unresolved, place them on a future agenda. Avoid engaging in skirmishes or personal attacks, as these hinder resolution.
- Articulate the Issue Clearly: Rather than making vague statements such as, “I feel disrespected,” be specific: “I felt hurt when you said… or when your tone of voice seemed condescending.”
- Avoid Camouflaging Deeper Issues: Do not allow minor irritations to overshadow more significant grievances. For instance, complaining about the saltiness of the potatoes may mask deeper feelings of being overwhelmed at work.
- Address Fears of Conflict: If one partner feels apprehensive about engaging in conflict, this should not be dismissed. Instead, acknowledge this fear and consider discussing it later.
- Avoid Personal Attacks: Refrain from exploiting your partner’s vulnerabilities. Do not use intimate knowledge of their weaknesses to inflict emotional pain.
- Refrain from Labeling: Avoid categorizing your partner with negative labels. Instead, express your feelings in a constructive manner, such as, “I feel tense because you seem moody.”
- Ensure Equal Opportunity for Expression: Agree that no resolution can be reached until both partners have had the opportunity to express their feelings and perspectives.
- Utilize Feedback and Clarification: In emotionally charged discussions, slow down the conversation by paraphrasing your partner’s statements to ensure understanding. For example, “What I hear you saying is that you feel I lack outside interests. Is that correct?”
- Seek New Insights: Aim to extract valuable information and insights from conflicts to foster personal growth. Do not squander the opportunity for learning.
- Implement Changes: After a disagreement, follow up with clear and reasonable requests for change. Each partner should understand what modifications they agree to make.
- Incorporate Humor: Humor can be a powerful tool for healing and diffusing tension.
- Maintain Confidentiality: Keep conflicts private, unless serious issues necessitate the involvement of a counselor. Professional guidance can facilitate resolution in ways that may be challenging to achieve independently.
- Address Conflict in the Presence of Children: When conflicts arise in front of children, strive to resolve them constructively in their presence. This teaches them valuable lessons about negotiation and reconciliation.
- Avoid Conflict Resolution Under the Influence: Do not attempt to resolve disputes while under the influence of alcohol.
- Use Touch to Initiate Dialogue: Physical touch can help create a conducive environment for communication. A gentle gesture can signal a willingness to engage in dialogue.
- Prohibit Violence: Establish a mutual agreement that any form of violence is unacceptable.
- Examine External Influences: Reflect honestly to determine whether the source of anger lies primarily within the relationship or is influenced by external factors such as health issues or work-related stress.
- Acknowledge Emotional Responses: Recognize that crying is a valid emotional response. However, ensure that it does not divert attention from addressing the core issue.
- Utilize Prayer as a Source of Strength: Many religious traditions regard marriage as sacred and view prayer as a vital source of strength. While it is essential to apply principles of human behavior in conflict resolution, couples should also draw upon their faith as a resource in addressing their challenges.
